Overcoming Fears and Getting Back on the Saddle….

So here I am…I promised about a month ago that I was going to get back on a routine and start blogging again.  I enjoy blogging and I enjoy reaching goals I set because my blogging keeps me accountable…well the past month or so have been a bit of a rut for me.  Lots of fears, doubts, insecurities and uncertainties have been taking over my mind/life and now I am ready to face them head on and knock them down!!

A big part of helping me pinpoint what my issues have been, was a post I saw on one of my favorite blogs.  Angela at Oh She Glows, decided to turn August into a Challenge Month…“Do one thing a day that scares you”.  At first, I was not really thinking it applied to me, but this week I realized it absolutely does apply to me.

So I spent an hour at 4:00am, thinking about what fears have been doing to control me lately…there are a lot of them!  I was fearful of blogging again and sharing my experiences with healthy eating and exercise, because I have fallen into old habits…that being my Binge Eating Disorder.  Basically, I get stressed/overwhelmed and then go on a frenzy when I binge eat, feel horrible, lay on the guilt and belittle myself for hours/days.  This battle of going back and forth has caused me to lose any confidence I had in my body and has led to an 8 pound weight gain.  I am having a mini anxiety attack just writing this and putting it out there.  It makes me feel like a fraud when I promote all kinds of healthy ideals and then crumble when I feel overwhelmed.  Well this is me overcoming that fear of rejection, failure, and being judged for putting on a few pounds.  On a positive note, I have been running and training for a half marathon on October 7th.  I have been sticking to my schedule and promising to maintain this hard work so I can focus on those successes instead of the little things that feel like failures.  Focus on miles, not pounds!

I have been scared of voicing the areas I feel like I failing or not standing up for myself!  I have been taken advantage of at times and have not stood my ground as best as I could for fear of what would happen.  It has led me to a place where I have allowed myself to be excluded and left out of some big things.  This week that really changed.  I hit my breaking point and spent two days in utter mental turmoil.  I could not wrap my head around the path I should take or how to get past the things that were holding me down and leaving me feeling stuck.  I faced that fear today by going to counseling and laying my struggles out on the table.  I refused to hold guilt for others indiscretions and I refused to let those things cripple me any longer.  I laid out my expectations and what I wanted to happen in order for my life to move forward in a positive and functional manner.  It felt good to stand up for myself and hold others accountable, it was liberating to see that I wasn’t attacked or ignored for doing this.  I am now going to work everyday at being sure I am treated equal to my worth while standing up for myself and the life I deserve! 

Last but not least, I have decided to stop fearing the challenges involved with getting my “American” degrees and getting the teaching job I want.  I cannot be scared that I will not be good enough or capable enough.  I have always taught kindergarten and elementary students, but I will now be studying to teach middle and high school English.   I cannot settle for something less than I have always dreamed of because it seems so challenging to get there.  I am going to take the challenges and crazy roadblocks in order to get the outcome I truly want.  I am going to be patient with it and know that all of the struggles will pay off in the long run.  I am swallowing that big pill that comes with trying to change my Canadian education into an American teaching license, and I am going to do the monkey dance they are asking of me.  My goals are worth the pain in the ass hoops I have to jump through.  I am taking some tests and doing whatever I can to speed up the process while I have the time to do it.

What I am setting right now are goals that I am going to stick to so I can get past all of these insecurities and bits of anxiety.

1. I will blog tomorrow with my exercise and meal plan so I will do my best to overcome binge eating relapses.  Due to a nasty stomach bug I am re-scheduling my 3.5 training run from tonight to tomorrow morning where I will hopefully not be plagued with an upset stomach.  I will go back in time and look at how I used to eat for health and energy rather than a need to lose weight fast. 
2. I will study for a CLEP test so I can get some Literature credits knocked out of the way.
3. I will spend the night ‘chilling out’ and not talking about ‘stresses’ as per my therapist, as a way to just remember how to spend time doing what I enjoy without fear, guilt or obligation to finish tasks from the day
4. I will go do something immature and fun with my boys without worrying about getting dirty or being loud…suggestions welcome!

I will blog at the end of the day tomorrow to be accountable and take that step forward to fulfill my little goals one at a time…thanks in advance for listening and being a part of my jump out of the fog!!!