Okay, not a confession type gal but just had to throw this out there because it really bothered me. It is the first time this has happened in a couple of months. I was completely present and knew what I was doing, but I just kept doing it. I felt bad, I was irritated with what was going on, but I just kept going and felt as though I had no common sense impulses at all…
The day started out great as I celebrated the amazing events of a year ago…the birth of Gavin! I had an amazing workout, the sun was shining, I had a great breakfast and I got to relax. I did some chores, still felt really hungry at 8:30am after the eggs and fruit, so I had a small serving of Oats with no milk, flax or extras…just the oats. For a snack later on I had an apple with 1.5 Tb of Natural Peanut Butter. We had to skip the beach (going today!!) in order to get some out-processing errands completed, so I had 4oz of chicken with some lettuce wrapped around it and 1.5tsp of hummus. As soon as I ate the light lunch, my stomach started on me. It bloated right up and became full of pressure and discomfort. I was left wondering if the was the oats causing it (them not moving and maybe the lunch sitting on top).
We went and did our errands. I knew the boys could sense I was in a bit of a ‘mood’…meaning I was quiet and just distracted. I was in serious, ‘What the heck?” mode. It set me into a bit of a frustration because I was being so careful and then so quickly I went from great to pain. This is not just a feeling of eating too much (hello, it was chicken and lettuce) it was a feeling as if I ate a 5 course meal. When we got home I had a banana with 1 tsp NPB and 1/3 cup of tofu pudding on top. I ate that and drank some more water. I ate so slowly and even though it was 3 hours after the chicken, it happened again. At this point I started to really just started to crave sugar. Any kind of sugar. I tried to drink water and then leave it alone, but I was seriously in that over-the-top, have to have it now, craving mode. I ate 1 cookie that James brought home from school…
That lasted a few minutes. Then I was wandering around aimlessly, and went back to the kitchen where I mindlessly ate another…followed by a single chocolate egg James had also brought home from school. I stopped and then thought of what I had just ate without even paying attention. I stuck a piece of gum in my mouth. Gavin was getting fussy so I knew he was hungry. I made up a sandwich for him, which he barely ate. Before I knew it, I had eaten it. “What in the heck is going on with me?” I literally felt on the verge of tears when I realized I was in this serious mode of just eating as fast as I could without even paying attention. This is not me anymore, why am I over-eating right now? We then decided to go run a couple more errands. I told myself I was going to be more mindful and really try to think about what was going on to cause this.
Well, one errand lead to a lot of stress. I won’t get into what it was, but it just really threw me into the deep end of being frazzled. We completed the rest of our ‘to do’ list and then decided to get James something quick to eat. This is when it gets
bad worse. I at a Whopper Jr. Meal….do you know how long it has been since I have done that? I don’t even know. I sat there thinking about it the WHOLE time I ate it. I thought about how disappointed I was that I was eating what I KNEW was making me feel miserable. So I felt MORE miserable. I came home and then ate some chocolate….I am not kidding. By 7pm I felt like I was going to explode. I sat down, grabbed my food log and then saw how much I was writing. There was guilt and shame. I think those two feelings were the worst part. I made such an ordeal out of that first cookie, that is set me into a tail spin.
I looked at my log, and this is what I ended up writing: “Serious food overload- started when I got stressed from being bloated and sore. Quickly got a ‘what does it matter’ attitude and ate random junk – quickly. Felt worse, then ate more even though I felt sick and full. I knew what I was doing, but just kept doing it anyways”. When I think closely about what set me off it ends up coming down to this. I did not eat for basically 2 days due to the colonoscopy. I was dehydrated and sick from the garbage that was put inside of me. The day after I feared any kind of belly pains so I under-ate. I went to bed hungry last night, but did not want to eat before bed. I was starving this morning, that is what woke me up so early. I had my muscle milk light protein shake and then worked out hard. As I mentioned my breakfast didn’t sustain me, rather than eat what I needed right away, I kept waiting and that is what did me in. The lack of nutrients, carbs, fats, proteins and fluids from this week set my triggers in the wrong direction.
I was so worried about not putting anything into my belly that would hurt it, that I set my head in ‘deprivation mode’. I don’t do well with restriction, because then I get scared to eat anything and always under-eat, that leads to this very problem. That lesson has not been learned in a while, so I will just take this as a refresher course along the road to remembering what does and does not work for me. I have to say, now that I have written about it, came clean and shared it, I feel like it is done and I can move on. Rather than over-stressing the ‘what will mess up my belly’ meal plan tomorrow, I will just listen to my gut better and try to be more diligent about giving my body what it needs. That means listening better when I tell myself to stop…perhaps I need an imaginary friend to remind me on days like this 😉
I will keep the meals small and frequent and not worry if that means 3 small snack sized meals before 10am…if that keeps my belly pain-free, that is what it going to work. The second I try to load it up for a day out of the house, I know I will spell trouble. Everything in bits, lose the stress, and know that too much limitation leads to events like this…okay, lesson learned! Thanks for letting me truly BE MYSELF, show my struggles, and openly work them out 🙂
Do you feel better after a confession? Do you ever get your own lesson or resolution after you write it all out or talk about it? Do you still have moments of over-eating or emotional eating?