I have (and still do) suffered from a bad case of self-esteem, confidence and negative self-image. I am pretty sure I don’t see what others see, and this used to get confused with me being narcissistic. I would look in the mirror and pick myself apart, family members would see me and think I was just admiring myself…..so far from the truth. As a young child I was always with a runny nose, and fly away hair. My sister was cute as ever!!
My nickname when I was little was “Bubble Head” (was told my head was full of bubbles instead of brains) or “Bucky Beaver” (buck teeth…never had braces, though).
I vowed to ‘pretty up’ and try to overcome the stigma I had already attached to myself. I felt like an ugly duckling who was not growing into a swan. The teeth, the hair, the big nose, the flat chest (which then went in the opposite direction of being ‘too’ big). I remember asking my mother and sister if they could see their feet when they looked down (I was in 9th grade), they laughed and said ‘no’…I replied, “I can see my ankles” 😉 To try to get ‘pretty’, I did what every 12-year-old girl did in 1991…I got a perm….which then turned into “mall bangs” as I turned 13…
It was an ongoing ordeal to try to fit in, to try to appear confident and peppy, and to try to feel pretty. It only takes one comment to start these insecurities and self-loathing in a young girl. It takes a lifetime to undo it! If only we could be changed with one simple phrase, compliment, or reminder!
Even though I went through phases of feeling good and then not feeling good about myself, the worst this ever hit me was during my pregnancies…how sad! It started by being told I was gaining too much weight…this made me feel fat, and then I started worrying that people would think I was huge. There was no moment of just really savouring the miracle of what my body was GIVING me! I had both of my babies 4 weeks early because they were too big for me…(turns out I was not too big, after all). James was 8 pds .05 oz and Gavin was 7 pds 6 oz….again, I remind you, they were 4 weeks early!!!
Why could I not just feel beautiful…it all goes back to what you hear and what you believe about yourself. I still see the pregnant girl, the stretch marks, the belly jiggles when I look in the mirror, but the time to change is NOW!!! I am working on it, I am still struggling, I am still trying to focus on the pros rather than the cons. I know it will be a lifelong journey, but I know the view along the way will be beautiful 😉 I am a mommy of two boys (the second being an absolute miracle after much difficulty)! They see me as strong, loving, caring, and dependable: mom. That is an amazing gift!
My husband sees me as a beautiful, spunky, determined and absolute proud wife! He tires of telling me this and think I don’t care about his comments (or rather, he thinks other’s comments have more importance), but the truth is: his opinion matters, because it is what helps me aspire to think the same way!
All I know is that I am worth the work to be sure I know I am a gorgeous gal! I want to show my boys a confident woman, so they know what to look for in their future ladies! I want my husband to have a wife that feels as hot as thinks she looks…so pretty, super hot 😉 I will run through those shin splints, because it makes me feel strong! I will cook healthful, yummy eats, because it shows I am serious about how I take care of my body. I will work on getting a strong and confident sense of self, because I deserve it!
How will you make yourself more confident today?